My True Thoughts On Christmas.

I think this year, I have truly learned the real meaning of Christmas.  Not that I didn't really know it before.  But this year is just different.  It's about mending the heart.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been wounded by people in my life before, but this year it's about moving past that and looking at the future. This year my friends, old and new, have expressed things to me about how they feel that have truly melted my heart.  I just can't express how lucky I am to have friends like these.  And then I've also begun to mend some friendships.  Friendships that have hurt so badly to lose, yet I'm grateful to see a glimmer of hope in them.  My heart is truly melting this year, and I've got so much to be happy and thankful for.  I wish everyone the best and that they can find this true form of happiness like I have stumbled upon.

It is safe to say that once I reached this realization in my life, everything started to get better.  Life is just too beautiful to give up or be bitter about.

Feeling Let Down

I feel like I am doing so much ranting about politics lately, but today my rant isn't fully about politics. It's how I am so disappointed with people. They are so full of hate. This election was, in my eyes, a very close one. But one thing I love about my country is that we get the chance to vote. I my 26 year life span, and 3 presidential elections I have had the chance to vote in, the person I have voted for hasn't always won. You just have to roll with the punches. But when things didn't go the way I wanted, I didn't get up and scream out hate or be upset. That doesn't get you anywhere, and it just makes people look poorly upon you.

I dunno, it just makes me sad to see people be so full of hate. I held my friends to a higher standard, and I guess that's why I felt so let down.

Elections...

Okay, yes, I get it. This election season is coming down to the wire, and almost everyone has been sure to note their political standings on their social media. I am even guilty of that. It is nice to stir up a discussion every once and awhile. Especially when it is over important matters, like the future of America.

But what a lot of people appeared to have forgotten is that we are in America and we have the freedom to vote for who we want. Tonight is the eve of Election Day and my Facebook is flooded with many people saying, "Vote this way or..." Society has gotten so wrapped up in thinking that their opinion is the right one, and forgotten that opinions can't be wrong or right. Opinions are how an individual feels. And we have the freedom to vote on our own opinions. So your opinions may be different than mine. That doesn't make you right and me wrong.  It just means that we view and deal with things differently.

I have never been one to really get angry over politics, but tonight I am. I'm not necessarily mad at politics, but how they have changed people. People truly need to remember that America was founded on freedom, and tonight, I am not seeing much of that.

Days To Myself

I don't know what in me has changed and what hasn't changed in the past year, but I am just different. My depression doesn't hit as often or as hard. I am a lot happier. I'm cultivating new friendships, and for once they aren't all friendships where I just get shoved to the background. I am just all around more cheery.

This was brought to mind today because I was randomly thinking about how people at work say I almost sound believable when I tell a customer to "Have a wonderful day!" But the funny thing is that I say that to anyone, even outside of work in my everyday life, and get some of the strangest looks because people are taken back by it.

I guess I just see life completely different than a lot of people because of what I have been through. But I still personally find it absurd that people should be surprised when someone is friendly.

But, I guess that's just the world we live in.

Zero Motivation

Oh motivation to write, I wish you'd come back. I mean it isn't like I don't have thoughts in my head that I want to write about. It is just that lately I don't know how to put my thoughts into words that would really make sense. At least to anyone that might stumble onto this.

I just don't want this blog to sound monotonous, but lately I feel like that is what it has become. Hence the few days between entries.

Blah, I will be glad when this writers block goes away.

A Slice Of Humble Pie

Sorry for my lack of blogging lately. My brain just hasn't felt like it could compose its thoughts lately.

But today, I would like to yet again talk about organ donation. But not in the same sense that I usually talk about it. Today I had the chance to chat with my new friend Elena. It was nice. But not just the talking part, but being able to just see an amazement in someone over what I have been through. I know I have been through a lot, but I guess I just don't look at it like that. I have always just taken everything as it went through as it came to me. I never took the time to stand back and look at my situation from a bystander.

Needless to say, I received one of the nicest compliments I have ever received, which is that I am a very humble person.

So, thank you Elena. You are a doll.

Oh What A Day.

Today has just been one of those days.  I woke up this morning and just wanted 5 more minutes of sleep.  Instead I rushed to get ready and left my house at 7:15am, thinking I was gonna be cutting it very close to being just on time to work.  NOPE!  Half way there, I realized I wasn't thinking straight and was gonna be a half hour early to work.  No point in turning around though to just have to get right back in the car to head to work.  So I actually had breakfast before I started working.

Then all day if it wasn't one thing it was another.  Decided its hard to listen to myself tell every customer "Have a wonderful day." without getting the giggles.  Especially after a customer told me I sounded like I meant it, and laughed at me when I said I did.  Then I kept trying to give people who wanted hot coffee, cold coffee, and vise-versa.

I dunno.  Today was just a day where my brain stayed in bed while my body got up and was active.

So tonight I'm going to make sure my brain gets some real rest, and maybe it will be ready to work tomorrow.  I love my job, and I love the people I work with, but Thursday cannot come soon enough.

Donation.

I've been doing a lot of thinking today.  A lot of it has been about my life and where it is.  About what keeps me going everyday, even when I feel down.  A big player in that is, my organ donor.  I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for that person making that decision to donate their organs after their spirit left this earth, and their family being supportive of their decision.  That's why I will try everyday of my life to help people know what the importance is about organ donation.

Only a small fraction of the earth's population will know what it's like to receive the blessing that I was able to have.  And so many people are waiting just to have a chance to have what I've got.  That truly saddens me.  I myself waited on the list for 3 years.  That's a long time to wait.  And there are people that wait even longer than that.  Yet if more people became organ donors there wouldn't be such a problem.

I know that thinking about giving your organs away puts a fatality to life that people don't want to think about, but honestly, you never know when your last moments here will be.  

So, now I live everyday to the fullest because I was blessed with another chance.  I myself am an organ donor, and though they pretty much wouldn't be able to use any of my organs in another person because of the damage they've sustained over the years, my organs can be used to help find cures and for science.  Thats just as awesome.

I know that this video is a couple years old, but it is still very relevant.

Oops!

So I used my blogging time to play Borderlands 2.  Expect a better post tomorrow.

Seasons Changing

I love that it's turning into fall.  I am excited to drag out my sweaters and sweatshirts.  I get so happy when that time of year comes that I can layer my clothes.  When I can bundle up and wear my boots.

I prefer the rain.

I prefer the cold.

I am an Oregonian at heart.

I'm glad hat the heat is drifting away.  I need a change, and fall brings the change that I want.

Understanding

Words were said today.  Some harsh, yet needed to be said.  And after all was said and done, we are at a little better understanding.  Or at least I am.  I feel like I understand Kyle's frustrations a little more, and I can constructively work on myself some more.  It's good.  Progress is good.  I am proud that we can get through our little differences.

I am also glad that I at least attempted to say what was on my heart, instead of eating my feelings and shutting down.  Especially with my depression looming hard above me right now.

Needless to say, I truly love him.  If that means I have to really work on somethings that I have neglected for quite some time.  Things that I put walls up around, due to being hurt in my past.  Even opening up more.

I know he is who I want to be with, and at the end of the day I think that is what really matters over all.

Down In The Dumps

Today I just need encouragement.  It has felt like everything is just working against me today.  From people snapping at me, to nothing going as planned.  It's times like this that my depression really acts up.  I start to spiral because I feel like I'm losing control of everything.  I don't do well in situations like that.

So, sitting here in this quiet room, alone gets me thinking.  And then I turn on the emo music and I'm done for.  I start crying and letting out all the emotions I've had pent up.

I just feel like I'm wandering around in the dark, running into every wall in sight.  It's not easy.  I'm trying to make sense of things that just aren't making sense, and I feel like things are being kept from me.  I'm told that I don't open up much, but at the same time I feel like the people that should open up to me, aren't.  It just sucks because the double standards.  I wish that those didn't exist.

Being sick this past week hasn't helped.  It just gives me more time to myself and a lot more time to think.  Really not the right time for all of this to hit.  Makes it all more lonely.  I really hate feeling lonely.

I just need a hug, but instead I'm going to lay down with my hurt back and read my book while listening to some Motzart.  Hopefully that helps me drift off and forget about today.

Sick

So, I have been away for a few days.  This has mostly been due to being quite sick.  That kept me from really having the energy to even think about writing.  I just wanted to sleep and keep my fever away.  Sounds like it is going around though.

I am just glad to be on the downward slope of this thing.  I mean seriously, constant chills, runny nose, hacking up your lungs, and plain just not feeling good is not much fun.

I was glad to return to work today.  After working for this past month, sitting at home has become a difficult thing to do.  It is good though that I have the next two days off though.  I need to really get myself back to 100%.

So with that said, I'm going to get some shut eye.  Need all the rest I can get right now.

Thoughts On My Birthday.

A lot has been running through my mind today.  I guess that tends to happen when you turn another year older.  Life hasn't been easy, but I have to say, even through the rough parts, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I have been blessed with such wonderful people.

One of those people was my grandmother.  I have been thinkin about her a lot lately.  She'd be so proud of how far I've come in my life, and how much I've grown up since she left us.  She's always in my heart, and has made me who I am today.  She's the one who helped to give me the strength.  I owe who I am to her.

I also have a lot of new friends that I've made.  They've made my day so awesome.  It has been a long time since I have felt happy on my birthday.  And they all succeeded today.  My heart feels content and I am truly blessed.  They're awesome.  I am a very lucky girl.

Slowly, and day by day, my life is feeling more complete.  A couple years ago I didn't think I'd make it to this point in my life.  And now I'm happy to see what the next day brings.

My life is truly blessed.

Lahdedah.

Well, I have to say that is some of the fastest getting ready, I've done in 4 years.  But I was glad to pick up some hours.  I just feel like a normal person again.  It's nice.  Being a person in everyday society.  I might value things more due to the fact that I went so long without having.

But now I must leave my computer.  Season premiere of Sons of Anarchy is about to start, and my full attention must be devoted to that!  (lol)

Monday, Monday.

My brain has really started to run away from me.  Halfway through my shift at work my brain checked out.  Not quite sure why, other than the fact that I was ready for my weekend.  I hate when my brain gets like this.  It just feels jumbled and like mush.  I mean, I can still go through all the regular functions, but its like it takes a couple minutes for me to realize what I'm doing.  And when I am like this, there is no filter between my brain and my mouth and I will say whatever.

I guess thats how I got the nickname "Sassafras".  Because when there is no filter, I tend to become sassy.

I think I need to sleep for an entire day.

Grand.

Today was definitely a great day.  I got to work with some of my favorite people, and the shift just flew by.  Even in a job that is very fast paced and can be full of high stress 95% of the time, having fun people to work with can make the job entertaining.  I feel this is a great fit for me.  I'm glad my life took this turn.

And then I spent the rest of the afternoon playing Minecraft with Kyle.  Granted, all I did was make an island full of trees, and then gather a bunch of wood for him.  Needless to say though, its still fun to just spend time together, even if we aren't doing much.

Life is pretty grand right now.

Caffeine Crash.

So I'm writing this as I'm about to fall into a caffeine coma.  11 shots of espresso was definitely too much.  And for once in a long time, I truly felt wired.  But now I'm not even sure what I'm saying, hence why I might not be making much sense.

At least I get to sleep in tomorrow.  HAHA!  7am is now considered sleeping in.  This doesn't sound right coming from me.

Off.

Today has been one of those days.  I have just felt a little off all day.  Like my brain has been in an off fog.  I've felt like I'm 5 steps behind all day.  Trying to catch up.  And I've finally gotten to my Zen place, just in time to go to bed.  I suppose that is good because it means I've hit my calm place for the night and I'll be able to rest easy.

I just hope tomorrow I feel a little more on my game.

I'm Really Not Political

So, I try to not voice my opinions on politics at all.  I don't like to argue, and it just gets me riled up when people try to prove to me why my opinion is wrong and their's is right.  I do feel though, that it's important to be informed.  To seek out knowledge and base your opinion off of facts.  How ever you take the information provided to you, let that base your opinion.  Don't go off spewing off random things and trying to convince people how you are right when you don't have anything at all to back them up.  And right now, I think people need to be informed.

I myself, am what I would consider independent.  I'm definitely more left than I am right, but I still have a little right in me.  (That sounds funny).  But I watched both the RNC and the DNC and have been following the issues so that I know who I want to vote for.

But this is what makes me sad.  President Obama is giving his speech tonight, and at the same time MTV scheduled the VMA's.  Now really, people need to be informed.  Not on who they think is the best singer or who is wearing what to an awards show.  They need to be informed on what could potentially be changed in America's future.  And wether you are for Obama or not, it's still good to know what he plans on doing if he is re-elected for another term.

I just don't know.  I don't get it.  If there are people voting for my future, I'd like them to be informed.  I don't want it to just be a whim.

Love

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu

I find these words to ring true.  I find that with love in my life I am both stronger and more courageous. Not just in the sense of "relationship" love.  But, all kinds of love.  Love between your family.  Love between your friends.  With out this love I would never have had the strength and courage to go through all that I've been through in the past 4 years.  Those people in my life gave me stability and encouraged me to hold on when I felt no hope at all.  They helped me to see that I was stronger than I ever thought I could be.  

I guess love really is one of the most powerful things you can experience in life.

Blah

I'm having a hard time coming up with anything to write about tonight.  So I'm going to sleep instead, and have a fresh mind tomorrow.

Cheesy

Caution...I'm about to get cheesy up in here...

I'd just like to say that I love my job.  I love the people that I work with.  It's so much fun.  Though it can be physically draining, I come home with a smile on my face.  I feel like I fit in.  Everyone is so nice, but at the same time know how to have fun.  It's a completely different experience from my old store, which makes it a better experience in a way.

I guess I've just hit this really happy and calm place in my life.  Almost every piece is falling into place, and only a couple more until I can truly feel more complete in this chapter of my life.

So I will continue to move forward in my life and do what I can to enrich it even more.

Pet Peeve!

Okay, so seriously.  Number one pet peeve!  STUPID DRIVERS!  Not only did I almost get side-swiped by some dumbass talkin on his phone and not paying attention, but I also almost got hit by TWO separate people who blatantly ran stop signs.

RIDICULOUS!  Learn how to obey the laws of the road!

Gaaaahhhh!

I'm too tired to write much more.

Hiatus

So, I know I've taken a short hiatus from my daily blog.  I just needed some readjusting time.  My life completely changed this last month, and I've been tryin to just keep track of myself.

I started working again, for one.  And, let me just say this, I never thought I'd be a morning person.  But I'm pullin it off.  Maybe thats just a part of really getting older.  Go to bed early, get up early, complete the daily routine and then start all over again.

I've also done a lot of thinking, and pondering.  Realizing where I've been in my life.  Seeing where I am now.  Knowing now that I truly am proud of myself and where I'm at in my life.  Even in this past year, I've matured so much more than I already had.  Seeing life and death in a different light.  Seeing myself in a different light.  Realizing that not only did I get dealt a tough situation in life (health-wise), but I SURVIVED it.  I look at pictures of myself before my surgery, right after my surgery, and then pictures from more recent days.  I realize how sickly I looked, and how healthy I am now.  I dunno, it's just a real amazing feeling.

Needless to say, I'm very proud of myself.

California.

Gotta love that moment, when you mix up the days to the trip you're taking, and it ends up being a weekend earlier than you remember.  Yeah, that happened to me today.  Totally thought I was going to California to visit my mom next weekend.  But apparently, it's this weekend that I'm going.  Either way, I'm stoked.  I miss my momma.  I don't get to see her all that often, but at least she's only a phone call away.  But still, taking a mini-vacation to visit her, is always fun.

Yet Another Sunday

So, it's technically my last day as an unemployed person.  And how do I spend today?  Lounging around, watching movies, and playing video games.  Nothing out of the usual.  Gotta love days like that.  The best part is, now I can actually look forward to days like that, unlike now, where I just take them all for granted, because that has been my life for the past 4 years.

Man, I'm so excited to start working again though.  I don't think many people understand just what its like.  I hear so many people complain about having to go to work, and complain about how they hate their jobs.  I'm just looking forward to joining the living world again.  Not that I haven't already, but I'm getting back to the point I was at before I got sick.  And that, my friends, is way more exciting to me than any of you can imagine.

Money

Apparently, I'm not meant to have a bank card.  This will be my third one in like two years, that I've had to replace.  It's just such a hassle.  To have to go INSIDE the bank and fill out a withdrawl slip, just to have some money.  Oh man, I sound so stuck up saying that.  But it's true.  And I won't have it until next week.  Bahumbug.  But at least that prevents me from spending more money that I should be saving right now.  I'm just glad the people at my bank branch are super friendly and by now they know who I am when I walk in the door.  Thats just kind of sad.  But, such is life.

Food

I have to say, I wound up pretty lucky.  Kyle's a pretty amazing cook.  Like seriously, I know I'll never go hungry as long as he's around.  Here's just a few examples of what I usually get to eat...

So yeah, I wound up pretty lucky.

Subconscious

Sleeping in.  Feels so good sometimes.  It sucks to waste the day away, but sometimes you just have to.  And after all the hype from last night, it was much needed.  Like good rest.  Good sleep.  Because we all know that is hard to come by these days.  Especially for me.  I toss and turn, and CONSTANTLY have the strangest dreams.  Just off the wall things, that sit in my subconscious mind, waiting to come out and play.  Sometimes I just wish they'd say there, and not reveal themselves at all.  Not all of them are John Lennon and lemon groves.  I wish that they were, but they just aren't.

Regina.

Oh my goodness.  Hands down, the best concert I've been to in FOREVER!  Seriously, she is even better live than she is on her albums.  And she's super humble.  You can tell, just by the way she quietly says thank you after each song she plays.  Oh man.  I just can't get over just how worth it, it was to see her finally.

I'm lucky that Kyle was nice and surprised me with the tickets.  And he even liked it too!

Such good music, and I needed to flood everyone's ears with it.

Jumbles

I think I'm too tired to write tonight.  I can't find a movie to watch.  I just feel super antsy.  Bahhhhh.  I think I need to to turn my computer off and try to compose myself better tomorrow.  Goodnite.

Working Girl.

So, I'd just like to announce...I'M A WORKING GIRL AGAIN!  Seriously, I don't really think anyone understands just how excited I am about this.  I haven't worked in 4 years, and that is 4 years too long.  I miss working.  I never wanted to quit, but my liver told me otherwise.

So, starting Monday, I step back into this world I used to know, and become a functioning person in society.  To me, this feels like back when I was a kid and summer break was coming to an end.  I was one of those kids that got excited to go back to school.  Well, this is what it feels like.

It is good to feel excited about something again.

I'm Sorry.

I know I don't always have the answers.  And I know I don't always do whats best.  Or, even treat people the nicest.  And for that, I'm sorry.  I know there isn't anything I can do to go back and change those things I have done, but deep in the depths of my heart, I'm sorry.  I'm not perfect.  I'm human.  I fuck stuff up sometimes.

So if you're someone in my life I have hurt, then I'm sorry.

Work

So, since I didn't really have much to say yesterday, I'll get to it today.  I have my final interview with the Bux on Monday.  I'm excited about it.  Only downside is that I'll be working in the mall.  Oh well, I'm still excited to go back to work.  I'm glad to be moving forward in my life again.  After starting work again, I'll get to move forward even more.  And my life is becoming so settled.  I dunno, I just feel like I'm in a very "mature" place in my life.  I know that sounds funny, but that is the best word I could think of to describe it.

Migraines

I absolutely hate getting migraines.  Today has been one of those days.  My head kills, and I usually feel like vomiting.  So I'm gonna keep this short and sweet, since I can't stand the bright lights for too long.

Gonna go back to sleep and rest up.

It's Thursday

Today has been pretty boring.  But the good kind of boring.  Sleep in until one.  5 mile walk with Kyle.  Play Minecraft with Kyle.  Ya know, the usual.  I like days like this.  Where it just feels relaxing.  Though it has been very hot out lately.  Too hot for Oregon summers, but oh well.  I'll be glad when when summer is over, but that's probably just me.

Regina

So I have to say, I'm a pretty lucky girl.  All I did was mention that there was a Regina Spektor concert, and Kyle was nice enough to buy tickets for us to go see her.  Pretty sweet gesture if you ask me.  And, I'm pretty stoked to get to go.

Kyle always does such nice things for me.  I appreciate him a lot.

Looking Up

So, today I had my second job interview to get back into Starbucks, and I have to say, I am pretty sure I nailed it.  I took control of the interview, and I could tell that the two managers that were interviewing me were pretty impressed.  It's not that I had the "right" answers, but I had thoughtful answers and answers from real Starbucks experience.

I mean, I know it was just a job interview, but I'm super excited.  It's because I am getting to see goal's come to life.  Things that I have yearned to do for a few years now, I'm able to grasp and do again.  And all in all, though I may complain about certain things in my life right now, my life is looking up.

Frustrated

Sometimes, I just get so frustrated.  I have learned that I, myself, cannot change people.  But it is just so hard to watch people go down these paths that seem so wrong for them.  And my advice is asked, and its like it goes in one ear and out the other.  I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of losing people in my life.  So I sit back and bite my tongue.  Oh well.  I guess that is really all I can do.

Now I have got to get some sleep.  I've got a job interview early in the morning, and I need a little sleep.

Lazy Sunday.

Today I woke up feeling lethargic.  Yet, I still managed to make myself get out of bed.  Cleaned out some stuff.  And, I still had time to play some video games.  I dunno.  A big part of me will be glad to be out on my own again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my family has been there for me, but I'm so ready to be back out in the world again, not under a parent's roof.

Mobile Blogging.

Today is another day where I don't really know what to write.  My brain is super tired, and I am doing everything in my mind to keep my eyes open.  That and my internet is down.  And posting from my phone, well, it isn't working that great this week.  So all posts have been delayed on posting because my phone doesn't seem to think 3G is good enough to post a blog with.

Okay, I think I need sleep.

Good Situations.

Today was spent, killing time.  Believe me, that isn't something easily done by me.  I went to the mall, and bought a wok for Kyle.  Seriously, he'd been hinting for quite some time now that he wanted one.  So, being the nice person that I am, I took it upon myself to surprise him with one.  He's always doing nice things for me, I figured it was my turn to do something nice for him.  I do have to say, I'm in a pretty good situation right now.

Loving The Batman.

So, Kyle and I went to see The Dark Knight Rises.  Seriously, AWESOME!  I wish all good movie trilogies these days would take notes from this.  They started the series out with how the character of Batman is formed.  They showed how he transformed and grew more into his character.  Then they brought it around full circle, and showed the final metamorphosis of Batman.  They didn't add in cheesy stuff just to appeal to all viewers.  They were true to the series.

I say this because so many of these things I loved as a kid have been tarnished by movies.  X-Men, for example.  A comic and cartoon I grew up watching.  The first movie was awesome.  The second one was pretty good.  But the third one was pretty lousy.  Granted, the movie franchise of X-Men has redeemed itself with spinoffs.

Another example was the Spiderman series (1, 2, and 3).  Yet again, another comic I followed growing up.  The first movie was pretty good (though not completely true to the series).  The second one went downhill from the first.  And, by the third, well, Emo Spiderman is not what I was hoping for, and I felt very let down.

Now I'm not saying all trilogies are like this, or even are terrible.  I'm just very glad that Christopher Nolan didn't let my hopes down with this Batman series.

TRAFFIC SUCKS!

Oh my goodness.  Traffic.  Not my friend.  And yet, somehow, I find so many ways to get stuck in it.  Today was some of the worst traffic I've gone through in awhile.

I mean 45 minutes just to get 3 blocks to the bank?!  It would have been quicker to walk, if I wasn't running other errands.  Then it took me another 45 minutes to an hour just to make it the last mile to Kyle's place.  

I'll be glad when summer is over just for the mere fact that road construction will be more minimal.

How I Feel About Myself.

Somedays I feel so lost.  So unimportant.  Like I don't make much of a difference.  Where I feel as if no matter how hard I try, I live my life in a revolving door.  As if I'm making the same mistakes over and over again.

Other days I feel like my life is coming together.  Where I can see a future.  One that I no longer am lost in.   The good days.  Days where I can see goals at hand, and feel as if I'm moving forward once again in my life.

And then there are days where I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo between the two.  Where I hardly cease to exist emotionally because I feel completely emotionless.  These are the days I hate the most.

Today was one of those days, until I received the nicest compliment from my old youth pastors, mom.  She's always been the kindest of ladies.  And today I got a message asking if there was anything that she could do for me.  But that wasn't the only thing.  She also told me that she thought I was an amazing lady.  And that brought a tear to my eye.  Not in any sad way, but in a way that someone sees me for something better than I see myself.

To me, I'm just ordinary with some not so ordinary situations I had to face.  I've never thought I was anything special.  I've always just been, well, me.  I've never wanted to be in the "limelight", yet so many things have thrown me into the center of attention.  None of that has ever made me feel better about myself.  In fact it usually just made me feel worse.  I'm the person that usually loves to give attention to others.

Needless to say, hearing that someone think that I'm honestly an "amazing lady", made my night.

Putting It Off...

I dunno what it is with today, but I dont feel like writing.  I'm just really lethargic and tired.  I have a lot on my mind, yet don't feel like talking.  I'm just emotionally drained.

I guess I'm just tired.  Tired of people making me feel like a bitch for being honest and standing up for myself.  Like it's okay for everyone else to have feelings and whatnot, but the minute I bring mine up, I just feel like they're not valid anymore.  I mean, it is my own fault.  I'm the one that chose to surround myself with people like this.  So, why I am even surprised is strange.  I mean I shouldn't be.  I should have seen this coming from a mile away.

Kyle says I sound like someone who is the subject of abuse because I'm always feeling like I can take one more emotional punch, while hoping that the next time they'll change.  They never do.

And I feel this is a big part of why my self-esteem is so poor.

Open Doors.

When one door closes, another opens. I'm a firm believer in that. Right now some doors in my life are closing, but the ones that are opening are so awesome right now that I can't wait to see what the future brings.  I spent a long time running from those doors.  Not embracing the change that was creeping into my life.  And then I got smacked in the face with one of those closing doors.  This made me realize that sometimes you can't help the change.

So, yes, I have my days where I'm depressed.  Yes, I have those days where I feel stuck in a rut.  But overall, I'm embracing the change in my life.  I feel different, yet very content and happy.  A lot of this has to do with the people I'm surrounding myself with.  It also has to do with the fact that I'm going back into the workforce.  And even beyond that, I'm back to feeling my actual age again.  It's the best feeling I've had in a long time.

Today

I'm not really sure what to write about today, so I guess I'll just sum up today.

It's always fun hanging out with Davia.  Not only are there laughs and jokes, but there is a serious side to our friendship.  It's nice to feel like I can talk to her about anything and she won't judge me.  I'm glad our friendship bounced back and we were able to work things out.  I'm lucky to have a friend like her.

Myself

Everything I have been through in my life has helped shape how I am today.  I was forced to grow up faster than most because of my health situations.  I had to skip some stages that most people experience in life.

I would never wish what has happened to me upon anyone.  It was one of the hardest things I can think of to go through.  To be put in a situation you have absolutely no control over and just hope that things swing your way and you get what you need.  But you have to rely on another person to provide you with that need.  And that need can only be obtained in another person's death.  Well, going through that changes you.  In so many ways.  And like I said, I'd never wish anyone to go through it.  But, at the same time, I'm very glad that I did.  Not for the sad parts of the situation.  But, for the fact that it really made me appreciate all there is to life.  All the little things.  All the big things.  Really, everything.

And I wouldn't trade any of this for the world.

The Fixer.

Sometimes I feel sad about things.  Somethings that are slipping, I know they won't ever be the same.  People can only be pushed so far, and for so long, before they snap to reality and realize what is happening.

I was that way.  Hoping and hoping that the situation would change.  For so long.  Yet it didn't.  I know that I've always been a "fixer".  Attempting to fix people's problems, and giving every ounce of my being to help others.  This is so unhealthy.  And finally, after all these years, I'm snapping out of it.

And even though I'm going through this sad period of time, I know in the long run, I'll be happier.

Enlightenment

Today I have realized I have done a lot of changing. Everything about me is different. The way I talk about things. The way I think. The way I see life. Deep down, it is all beautiful.

Life comes together, and goals become obtainable. And when we feel that, life finds some enlightenment.

Like the fact that I'm begininning to feel like a person who is joining the functioning society again.  My goal of obtaining a job is within fingertips reach.  And, personally, I'm very excited about it.  Maybe not working in four years has made me this way, but it works.

Looking Up.

I'm feeling like I'm finally becoming a fully functional person in society again.  I mean, I am saving money.  Working on getting myself prepared to move out.  Being a lot more healthy.  And I have almost crossed the thresh-hold of getting back to work.

That is what I miss the most.  Working.  I dunno, maybe its just something ya take too much for granted.  But I will say, 4 years or so without working is such a drag.

I dunno.   Maybe I'm just feeling my age again.  But all the pieces are slowly falling into place, and life is yet again looking up.

Minecraft.

Oh man, I swear.  I don't really know what it is, but I've sat and played Minecraft most of my waking hours for the past couple days.  I really should say that I blame Kyle for this.  He got me a little hooked.  Though he loves it waaaaaay more than I do...LOL.

Honestly, I never thought I'd be completely entertained by digging holes, mining, and cutting down trees.

This can't be good...LOL.

A Day of Rest.

So, apparently, my phone was not wanting me to update my blog from my phone this last few days while I was away from my laptop.  Gotta love good ol' technology.  But I managed to get all my entries from the past few days, up online finally.

In other news, today was definitely a day of rest.  I woke up with sore ankles and knees, and as the day progressed, my hips hurt too.  All good signs that my body got a good workout.

I had a wonderful weekend.  It was good to have some of my normalcy back.  Definitely brought back some of my level headedness.  Which is really what I needed.  I'm starting to feel like my normal self again.

Accomplished

Okay, so I'm super proud of myself.  Not just because I went out on a hike.  But this was the first bigger hike I had done since long before my surgery.  It was steep hill climbs most of the way up.  And it may have been kind of slow going on the way up, but with a little help from Kyle motivating me all the way up, we made it to the top.  1632 feet up from the parking lot where we started, to when we reached the top.

Now I just need to get myself in better shape, so that when I do end up doing something like that again, I won't feel like my body is very angry at me.  But all in all, I'm totally glad that Kyle took me along with him.

Friday the 13th.

Okay, I woke up beyond weirded out.  Strange dreams are coming to me again.  I mean really,  why the heck am I having a dream where everyone around me is planning what will happen when I die.  Even my funeral.  Even people, who have passed on from this life.

I dunno.  I can't seem to wrap my head around what the heck my brain is sub-consciously thinking about.  But whatever it is, sometimes it freaks me out.  Maybe it is because today is Friday the 13th.

It's Just Something About Thursday

There's nothing better than sleeping in.  Granted, all night I had dreams about aliens.  They were coming after me.  Probably didn't help that while my mind was in other places, Kyle and I watched the first season of Falling Skies.  WEIRRRRD show.  And, super cheesy.  But that's a whole different story.

But yeah, so today has been good.  I feel well rested and all that is left to do is go see Ted.  Now that'll be fun.

Seriously...

Okay, so seriously, my Honda is going to be the death of me.  It would just be nice if I could drive it more than once before the clutch decides to go out on me.  But what'll really be nice is when I'm back to work.  I say this for many reasons.  But the main reason is because after I move out, buying a car is at the top of my todo list.

Not that the Honda isn't cool.  And when it works, it's awesome to drive.  But I'm just tired of the headache.

It's All Just Life.

I'm not really sure what to write about today, so I'll just write about what's been on my mind a lot lately.  I've been going through a lot of changes.  Changes with my inner and outer being.  A lot of this is stemming from being hurt.  I mean granted, I've been through a lot in my life.  A lot of different things that have hurt me in the past.  But for some reason this is just eating away at me.

Friendships.  They're supposed to be a 2-way street, and if they're only one-way then you've gonna end up with a hurt party.  I've realized that many of my friendships that I have are very one-sided.  In my times of need, I rarely ever ask for help.  Yet, when I do, I get ignored, abandoned, and made to feel not important.  Like everyone else's problems are more important than mine.

I'm the kind of person that any time of day or night, anyone can reach out to me.  I'll listen, give my advice, or just be there for the individual.  But when it comes around to me, thats a whole different story.

Now I'm not meaning everyone in my life.  And there have been a small handful of people that are very good at reciprocating a friendship back.  And in my recent phase of standing up for myself, I've become a lot closer with these individuals.

I guess this is all just a part of life.

Today

Today I've been a mixed bag.  Flying from being happy to feeling like a huge let down.  And at the end of the day, I've settled somewhere in between.  I had a very long and good talk with my mom this morning.  It was good to talk to her, and get her perspective on some of what is goin on in my life these days.

Following that I had a very open talk with Kyle.  It was good and much needed, but in the moment made my emotions just a big mess.  But I am very thankful for him because he doesn't give up on me.

And now I just feel raw.  My emotions have definitely worn me out.

Breakthrough

So much in my life has changed in the past few months.  It's evolving.  Some things make me sad.  Others overjoyed and happy.  And even other things I'm indifferent about.  Right now I'm just teaching myself to embrace each change as it comes.  Never falter to who I really am.  It's taken me years to get to this point, but I'm proud that I've gotten here.

A big change I'm going through are my friendships.  I've taken a step back from most of them and started doing self exploring.  I've realized that a lot of them were very unhealthy.  A lot of take and not so much give.  Quite a bit of fake and not much seeming real.  So I decided to stand my ground.  And this, I am proud of.  Because I'm not one to let things linger on and become drawn out.  But I'm done apologizing for things that aren't my fault.  Because in the end, doing that makes me feel lesser of a person.  And I'm done feeling that way.  I'm done feeling like I'm less important.

I dunno, I guess we could call this a breakthrough.

Knitting

I think I'm going to start knitting again.  I miss it.  It's been quite awhile since I picked up my knitting needles and yarn and made something.  I dunno.  Maybe that makes me a little dorky.  It might make me feel like an old person.  But heck, I like it.  It keeps my mind busy and to me it is relaxing.  And its things like that which I need in my life right now.  I'm working so hard to pull myself out of this rut I got stuck in.  And now that I'm starting to make some progress, I don't want to slip back.

Every day is a baby step, but at least I'm making progress.

Sleep

I think all this sleep I have gotten in the past 2 days has been good for me.  I feel a bit refreshed.  And I'm glad I do, because I was getting very worn out with having such a short fuse.  Now to just try to get back to my normal schedule.  I need to start runnin again.  With everything that has been goin on and being super busy, I've neglected that.  But it's time get back on the horse and go.  I know that will also help me feel better.  I was just having a hard time finding any motivation to do so.  I'm so ready to get my life back on track.  And one step at a time I'll get there.

At least things looked good today when I realized that I didn't have to get my blood drawn this month.  That is always a plus.

So Tired

I'm very tired.  My brain and body are just worn out.  There is a big part of me that would like to just sleep for a very long time.  But I've got so much that I'm trying to do right now, to actually do that.

But in other things, with my weird emotional state of being, today was actually better.  I listened to funny songs on on my computer.  I played some video games.  I even spent a little time reading.  Needless to say, it was just a bunch of mindless things, which was probably good for me.

But now my migraine is starting to come back, so I'm gonna lay down.

Down In The Dumps

I just feel like what's been normal for the past 6 months just isn't happening.  I try so hard to open up to people, but whenever I do, it kicks me in the butt.  Lately I just feel like I have such a hard time "belonging", to anyone or anything.

Bah, I just don't feel like writing much today.

Being Myself

Sometimes its just the way things are worded.  The way things are said, that can truly just cut a person down.  Maybe its just that filter between the brain and the mouth, that isn't working.  Maybe I'm just a little sensitive.  It could be a little of both.  Either way, things just hurt lately, more than usual.

I guess I should stop trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, and I should just be myself.  I'm trying, but sometimes it's just easier to do what I shouldn't.

I wish I could just figure myself out.  Get over this rut of depression that I'm in, and feel better.

Memories

Oh man, have I hit that point of exhaustion.  The point where everything becomes funny.  Where I start talking and can't seem to stop.  When I just start being silly.  It has been a long couple weeks, but the days are slowly getting easier.

It was interesting today.  I helped my uncle clean out my grandmother's garage.  We found a couple shoeboxes full of old pictures.  It was cool to see all these pictures of my family when they were really young.  And I even found pictures of my brother and I when we were young.  Amongst the family pictures, there were pictures that I drew for my grandma when I was just a small child.  They used to be on her fridge.

All in all, today was a pretty cool day.

Looking Up

I know I've been kinda down, sad, and angry lately.  Let's just say that I've been going through a lot.  And my emotions being all out of whack, doesn't help.  But in this past 2 weeks or so, my real true friends have shown their colors.  They've helped pick me up, when I've felt down.  They've shared kind words and conversations with me.  But above anything, these individuals have been there for me.

My life is shifting, and I can feel it.  And, maybe thats why my emotions are on the fritz.  Maybe I'm trying to hold together things that aren't necessarily meant to be held together anymore.  But in this moment, I'm making this agreement with my self that I'll let it go.

It's time in my life that I take this step.  To grow more wise from my experiences.  To not let people use me anymore.  And to actually stand up for myself.  I've started doing that, and it actually felt good.  

So all in all, I'm ready for my emotions to start lookin up.  Because let me tell ya, I'm tired of all this crying and being sad shit.

Not Myself

I feel like my muscles are shrinking.  Like my brain is flooded.  Like my eyes are blinking more slowly.  I'm trying to find a center.  A moment of enlightenment.  And as hard as I try, I feel like its just resting right away from my fingertips.

And yet, I feel like I'm not myself.  I am short tempered.  Take today for example.  I snapped at my dad for absolutely no reason.  And that upset me so much that I just burst into tears.

I wanna blame all this on so much, but when it comes down to it, there is nothing to blame except myself.  It's my fault I chose to be friends mostly with people that walk all over me.  I am to blame for caring too much.  For questioning the good things in my life.

And at the end of the day, I feel sorry for those that actually take the time to put up with me while I'm trying to deal with myself.  I am sorry.

Overwhelmed

I'm fighting myself again.  Trying to beat these constant trust issues I've got.  Not with one particular person, but with the majority of people.  Even if its nothing except what my mind has dreamt up.  I try and try to beat it and tell myself that I'm just imagining things, but the stuff in my past as messed me up so badly.

So I cry myself to sleep, every night.  And I wake up feeling more exhausted than I did the day before. Nightmares consume my sleep again, and my happy thoughts feel so far away.

Goodness, I know I just said I felt like I have no emotion anymore, yet today I feel overwhelmed with my emotions.  Not all of them good.  I'm just lost.  Thats all I can say.  Maybe I'm fighting a losing battle.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

Unsure

I don't know what to write today.  I'm still feeling drained after my rant a couple days ago.  I go from feeling emotionless, and sad.  I just don't know what to say.  I get so angry at people.  I try to hold my composure, and I feel like I'm going crazy.  I feel like I'm emotionally crazy.  I never know when I'm gonna swing from one mood to the next.

I'll be glad when this calms down and I can get back to feeling centered in my life.

Exhausted.

I'm so tired, physically and mentally.  My body is sore and my brain is still fuzzy.  I feel like all week I've been moving in slow motion.  And after my rant yesterday, I feel kinda emotionless.  I dunno, maybe this "blah" mood fits me.  Though I'd rather not feel that way.

I just want to feel like people care about me as much as I care about them, but as for the majority, that feels false.

I'm Feeling Bitchy.

My life is changing.  I know that.  It's weird, because I've always had high tolerance levels.  Lately though, I just havent.  I can't stand feeling used and walked over.  Yet, some people in my life only tend to want me around when they are having a crisis and want someone to talk to.  I've been this person to so many different people at many different times in my life.  And ya know what, I'm finally sick of it.

I'm not the kind of person that gets tired of caring, but right now I am.  I'm doing everything in my power to keep myself afloat with my own emotions, and yet none of those people that rely on me in their problems, even really seem to care.

I know I sound bitchy, but I've been pushed to the limit.

So from now on, if ya have a problem with your boyfriend or girlfriend, don't call me.  If you got in an argument with one of your friends, dont call me.  If your attitude is "life sucks", don't call me.

There are a few people that are exceptions, and they know who they are.  But other than that, I realize who my best friends are, and surprisingly, some of the people who I thought were my best friends, well, I feel like maybe they aren't.

I Don't Know What.

Today I spent the evening with Emily. We went to Red Robin and talked. No matter how much we tried to lighten the mood, we both sat there crying in the booth. Yet it didn't seem weird at all. We both needed it, and the hard times are yet to come.

I don't really know what else to say today. My brain feels so fuzzy and I feel like a zombie.

So I think it's just time for sleep.

Bah

Oh it bugs me so much.  When people do stuff for attention.  When they will do anything just so people will pay attention to them.  Exploiting the feelings of others.  I just don't get it.

Like right now, I'm genuinely sad and going through all these emotions of loss.  Loss to my own situation.  But I feel that some people exploit situations like this.  A loss of someone, to make it so that people will feel sorry for them.  Gah, it just irks me.

And with that said, it is time for some sleep.

Today

Today has been such a mixed day of emotion, and I'm still trying to gather my thoughts here at 3am.  I've been taking this whole situation about my Mama Chris really hard.  And today they've given her 3 days (at most) left.  And its weird, because it brings this sadness to me.  At the same time, I feel joy for her that she'll no longer have all this extreme pain that she's in.  Needless to say though, when I found out about the 3 days, I decided to stay out with my bro, and we did the bar-hopping.

I ran into lots of old friends that I haven't seen in years.  It was nice to get to talk to them and catch up.  And my cousin, Shelly, even came out.  I hadn't seen her since I was in the hospital, right after my surgery.  And all this just was a good way to keep my mind busy.

On top of all this, Tessa (my brother's girlfriend), sat and had a long talk.  Realizing that we both have this same vision, we talked about us opening a coffee shop together one day.  She has the same passion for coffee that I do.  And not just the actual coffee, but the artistic atmosphere of a true coffee shop.  Needless to say, its a big step forward in life, and it would be a fun one to make.

And now I'm tired.  My brain is fried.  I think I need to attempt to get some sleep, because otherwise I'll just keep over-thinking about things I don't want too.

--EDIT--
Since I first posted this, Mama Chris has passed on from this world.  Though the loss of her weighs heavy on my heart, I'm glad that she's no longer in any pain.

John Lennon and Lemon Groves

"If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace."  -- John Lennon

Gah.  I still can't get that dream outta my head.  It was just so awesome.  So, I might have been a hippy living in the 60's.  But, there was this real peace to it.  And the fact that I was in the middle of a lemon grove and dancing around with John Lennon, is just so awesome.  I mean, he was a real peace, love, and happiness kind of guy.  If only we had more people like him today.

I woke up awestruck and in a really good mood.  I'd trade all the rest of my dreams that I have which are scary or give me a feeling of unease, for more dreams about John Lennon.

Zero Motivation

Today I'm not motivated.  Maybe thats because I'm tired.  Could be that I fell down the stairs and am very sore.  I dunno.  Either way, my brain is in this fog, and I just don't feel like doing anything.  I want to just lay around and sleep.

I mean I won't be doing much due to the fact that I'm slightly bruised, but I guess I'm allowed to have a "lazy day".

Pushing Myself.

Oh goodness.  I remember why getting in shape has never been fun.  My body feels like noodles and the beginning always makes me feel like I'm dying.  But I'm proud of myself, because I'm pushing myself through it.

After my surgery I saw myself at a low of 120 lbs.  Granted, I looked super unhealthy, but thats beside the point.  A year and a half later I've put on all the weight I lost.  Now I don't wanna be back at 120, but I'd definitely like to lose a little of this weight.  But in the process I'd like to see myself more healthy.  I'm getting there.

About a week ago or so, I started jogging again.  Just around the neighbor hoods, but its a start.  And that mixed with my "homegrown" cardio, I am feeling better about myself.  I feel stronger and my body is slowly starting to shed pounds.

Now if only I could get that diet of mine a little more under control.  I mean, I don't eat super unhealthy, which is good.  Mostly that is due to my "transplant" diet.  I have to keep things more balanced.  I just need to focus more on cutting the rest of the unhealthy stuff out.

All in all though, I'm proud that I'm pushing myself.

Centering Yourself.

So, I've been doing a lot of soul searching as of lately.  I do this about once a year.  But this time it just feels different.

I've thought a lot about life.  What it means to me.  Why I'm here.  How I've been through things that many people will never have the opportunity to go through.  The things that have made me stronger.

The people I'm bringing into my life.  Why they're important in my life.  How they help shape me to who I am and who I'm becoming.  How they're helping me grow into myself.

I'm changing, and thats a fact.  Not for the bad, but for the good.  I've grown up a lot in this past year and a half.  More so than I already did.  I grew up fast in life, but this is different.  It's a good different.  Where I am starting to feel more wise.

And I can finally say, I'm starting to reach some inner peace in my life.

Starting off.

Last night, Davia and I were talkin about how sometimes it gets hard to write.  Where you just don't have the motivation.  She reminded me one thing that I should always remember.

"Make yourself write everyday."  Even if it's just one little, insignificant thing.  Write it down.  Get the thoughts out of your head.

So here's my start to that.  Getting the thoughts out of my head.