Looking Up

So, today I had my second job interview to get back into Starbucks, and I have to say, I am pretty sure I nailed it.  I took control of the interview, and I could tell that the two managers that were interviewing me were pretty impressed.  It's not that I had the "right" answers, but I had thoughtful answers and answers from real Starbucks experience.

I mean, I know it was just a job interview, but I'm super excited.  It's because I am getting to see goal's come to life.  Things that I have yearned to do for a few years now, I'm able to grasp and do again.  And all in all, though I may complain about certain things in my life right now, my life is looking up.

Frustrated

Sometimes, I just get so frustrated.  I have learned that I, myself, cannot change people.  But it is just so hard to watch people go down these paths that seem so wrong for them.  And my advice is asked, and its like it goes in one ear and out the other.  I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of losing people in my life.  So I sit back and bite my tongue.  Oh well.  I guess that is really all I can do.

Now I have got to get some sleep.  I've got a job interview early in the morning, and I need a little sleep.

Lazy Sunday.

Today I woke up feeling lethargic.  Yet, I still managed to make myself get out of bed.  Cleaned out some stuff.  And, I still had time to play some video games.  I dunno.  A big part of me will be glad to be out on my own again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my family has been there for me, but I'm so ready to be back out in the world again, not under a parent's roof.

Mobile Blogging.

Today is another day where I don't really know what to write.  My brain is super tired, and I am doing everything in my mind to keep my eyes open.  That and my internet is down.  And posting from my phone, well, it isn't working that great this week.  So all posts have been delayed on posting because my phone doesn't seem to think 3G is good enough to post a blog with.

Okay, I think I need sleep.

Good Situations.

Today was spent, killing time.  Believe me, that isn't something easily done by me.  I went to the mall, and bought a wok for Kyle.  Seriously, he'd been hinting for quite some time now that he wanted one.  So, being the nice person that I am, I took it upon myself to surprise him with one.  He's always doing nice things for me, I figured it was my turn to do something nice for him.  I do have to say, I'm in a pretty good situation right now.

Loving The Batman.

So, Kyle and I went to see The Dark Knight Rises.  Seriously, AWESOME!  I wish all good movie trilogies these days would take notes from this.  They started the series out with how the character of Batman is formed.  They showed how he transformed and grew more into his character.  Then they brought it around full circle, and showed the final metamorphosis of Batman.  They didn't add in cheesy stuff just to appeal to all viewers.  They were true to the series.

I say this because so many of these things I loved as a kid have been tarnished by movies.  X-Men, for example.  A comic and cartoon I grew up watching.  The first movie was awesome.  The second one was pretty good.  But the third one was pretty lousy.  Granted, the movie franchise of X-Men has redeemed itself with spinoffs.

Another example was the Spiderman series (1, 2, and 3).  Yet again, another comic I followed growing up.  The first movie was pretty good (though not completely true to the series).  The second one went downhill from the first.  And, by the third, well, Emo Spiderman is not what I was hoping for, and I felt very let down.

Now I'm not saying all trilogies are like this, or even are terrible.  I'm just very glad that Christopher Nolan didn't let my hopes down with this Batman series.

TRAFFIC SUCKS!

Oh my goodness.  Traffic.  Not my friend.  And yet, somehow, I find so many ways to get stuck in it.  Today was some of the worst traffic I've gone through in awhile.

I mean 45 minutes just to get 3 blocks to the bank?!  It would have been quicker to walk, if I wasn't running other errands.  Then it took me another 45 minutes to an hour just to make it the last mile to Kyle's place.  

I'll be glad when summer is over just for the mere fact that road construction will be more minimal.

How I Feel About Myself.

Somedays I feel so lost.  So unimportant.  Like I don't make much of a difference.  Where I feel as if no matter how hard I try, I live my life in a revolving door.  As if I'm making the same mistakes over and over again.

Other days I feel like my life is coming together.  Where I can see a future.  One that I no longer am lost in.   The good days.  Days where I can see goals at hand, and feel as if I'm moving forward once again in my life.

And then there are days where I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo between the two.  Where I hardly cease to exist emotionally because I feel completely emotionless.  These are the days I hate the most.

Today was one of those days, until I received the nicest compliment from my old youth pastors, mom.  She's always been the kindest of ladies.  And today I got a message asking if there was anything that she could do for me.  But that wasn't the only thing.  She also told me that she thought I was an amazing lady.  And that brought a tear to my eye.  Not in any sad way, but in a way that someone sees me for something better than I see myself.

To me, I'm just ordinary with some not so ordinary situations I had to face.  I've never thought I was anything special.  I've always just been, well, me.  I've never wanted to be in the "limelight", yet so many things have thrown me into the center of attention.  None of that has ever made me feel better about myself.  In fact it usually just made me feel worse.  I'm the person that usually loves to give attention to others.

Needless to say, hearing that someone think that I'm honestly an "amazing lady", made my night.

Putting It Off...

I dunno what it is with today, but I dont feel like writing.  I'm just really lethargic and tired.  I have a lot on my mind, yet don't feel like talking.  I'm just emotionally drained.

I guess I'm just tired.  Tired of people making me feel like a bitch for being honest and standing up for myself.  Like it's okay for everyone else to have feelings and whatnot, but the minute I bring mine up, I just feel like they're not valid anymore.  I mean, it is my own fault.  I'm the one that chose to surround myself with people like this.  So, why I am even surprised is strange.  I mean I shouldn't be.  I should have seen this coming from a mile away.

Kyle says I sound like someone who is the subject of abuse because I'm always feeling like I can take one more emotional punch, while hoping that the next time they'll change.  They never do.

And I feel this is a big part of why my self-esteem is so poor.

Open Doors.

When one door closes, another opens. I'm a firm believer in that. Right now some doors in my life are closing, but the ones that are opening are so awesome right now that I can't wait to see what the future brings.  I spent a long time running from those doors.  Not embracing the change that was creeping into my life.  And then I got smacked in the face with one of those closing doors.  This made me realize that sometimes you can't help the change.

So, yes, I have my days where I'm depressed.  Yes, I have those days where I feel stuck in a rut.  But overall, I'm embracing the change in my life.  I feel different, yet very content and happy.  A lot of this has to do with the people I'm surrounding myself with.  It also has to do with the fact that I'm going back into the workforce.  And even beyond that, I'm back to feeling my actual age again.  It's the best feeling I've had in a long time.

Today

I'm not really sure what to write about today, so I guess I'll just sum up today.

It's always fun hanging out with Davia.  Not only are there laughs and jokes, but there is a serious side to our friendship.  It's nice to feel like I can talk to her about anything and she won't judge me.  I'm glad our friendship bounced back and we were able to work things out.  I'm lucky to have a friend like her.

Myself

Everything I have been through in my life has helped shape how I am today.  I was forced to grow up faster than most because of my health situations.  I had to skip some stages that most people experience in life.

I would never wish what has happened to me upon anyone.  It was one of the hardest things I can think of to go through.  To be put in a situation you have absolutely no control over and just hope that things swing your way and you get what you need.  But you have to rely on another person to provide you with that need.  And that need can only be obtained in another person's death.  Well, going through that changes you.  In so many ways.  And like I said, I'd never wish anyone to go through it.  But, at the same time, I'm very glad that I did.  Not for the sad parts of the situation.  But, for the fact that it really made me appreciate all there is to life.  All the little things.  All the big things.  Really, everything.

And I wouldn't trade any of this for the world.

The Fixer.

Sometimes I feel sad about things.  Somethings that are slipping, I know they won't ever be the same.  People can only be pushed so far, and for so long, before they snap to reality and realize what is happening.

I was that way.  Hoping and hoping that the situation would change.  For so long.  Yet it didn't.  I know that I've always been a "fixer".  Attempting to fix people's problems, and giving every ounce of my being to help others.  This is so unhealthy.  And finally, after all these years, I'm snapping out of it.

And even though I'm going through this sad period of time, I know in the long run, I'll be happier.

Enlightenment

Today I have realized I have done a lot of changing. Everything about me is different. The way I talk about things. The way I think. The way I see life. Deep down, it is all beautiful.

Life comes together, and goals become obtainable. And when we feel that, life finds some enlightenment.

Like the fact that I'm begininning to feel like a person who is joining the functioning society again.  My goal of obtaining a job is within fingertips reach.  And, personally, I'm very excited about it.  Maybe not working in four years has made me this way, but it works.

Looking Up.

I'm feeling like I'm finally becoming a fully functional person in society again.  I mean, I am saving money.  Working on getting myself prepared to move out.  Being a lot more healthy.  And I have almost crossed the thresh-hold of getting back to work.

That is what I miss the most.  Working.  I dunno, maybe its just something ya take too much for granted.  But I will say, 4 years or so without working is such a drag.

I dunno.   Maybe I'm just feeling my age again.  But all the pieces are slowly falling into place, and life is yet again looking up.

Minecraft.

Oh man, I swear.  I don't really know what it is, but I've sat and played Minecraft most of my waking hours for the past couple days.  I really should say that I blame Kyle for this.  He got me a little hooked.  Though he loves it waaaaaay more than I do...LOL.

Honestly, I never thought I'd be completely entertained by digging holes, mining, and cutting down trees.

This can't be good...LOL.

A Day of Rest.

So, apparently, my phone was not wanting me to update my blog from my phone this last few days while I was away from my laptop.  Gotta love good ol' technology.  But I managed to get all my entries from the past few days, up online finally.

In other news, today was definitely a day of rest.  I woke up with sore ankles and knees, and as the day progressed, my hips hurt too.  All good signs that my body got a good workout.

I had a wonderful weekend.  It was good to have some of my normalcy back.  Definitely brought back some of my level headedness.  Which is really what I needed.  I'm starting to feel like my normal self again.

Accomplished

Okay, so I'm super proud of myself.  Not just because I went out on a hike.  But this was the first bigger hike I had done since long before my surgery.  It was steep hill climbs most of the way up.  And it may have been kind of slow going on the way up, but with a little help from Kyle motivating me all the way up, we made it to the top.  1632 feet up from the parking lot where we started, to when we reached the top.

Now I just need to get myself in better shape, so that when I do end up doing something like that again, I won't feel like my body is very angry at me.  But all in all, I'm totally glad that Kyle took me along with him.

Friday the 13th.

Okay, I woke up beyond weirded out.  Strange dreams are coming to me again.  I mean really,  why the heck am I having a dream where everyone around me is planning what will happen when I die.  Even my funeral.  Even people, who have passed on from this life.

I dunno.  I can't seem to wrap my head around what the heck my brain is sub-consciously thinking about.  But whatever it is, sometimes it freaks me out.  Maybe it is because today is Friday the 13th.

It's Just Something About Thursday

There's nothing better than sleeping in.  Granted, all night I had dreams about aliens.  They were coming after me.  Probably didn't help that while my mind was in other places, Kyle and I watched the first season of Falling Skies.  WEIRRRRD show.  And, super cheesy.  But that's a whole different story.

But yeah, so today has been good.  I feel well rested and all that is left to do is go see Ted.  Now that'll be fun.

Seriously...

Okay, so seriously, my Honda is going to be the death of me.  It would just be nice if I could drive it more than once before the clutch decides to go out on me.  But what'll really be nice is when I'm back to work.  I say this for many reasons.  But the main reason is because after I move out, buying a car is at the top of my todo list.

Not that the Honda isn't cool.  And when it works, it's awesome to drive.  But I'm just tired of the headache.

It's All Just Life.

I'm not really sure what to write about today, so I'll just write about what's been on my mind a lot lately.  I've been going through a lot of changes.  Changes with my inner and outer being.  A lot of this is stemming from being hurt.  I mean granted, I've been through a lot in my life.  A lot of different things that have hurt me in the past.  But for some reason this is just eating away at me.

Friendships.  They're supposed to be a 2-way street, and if they're only one-way then you've gonna end up with a hurt party.  I've realized that many of my friendships that I have are very one-sided.  In my times of need, I rarely ever ask for help.  Yet, when I do, I get ignored, abandoned, and made to feel not important.  Like everyone else's problems are more important than mine.

I'm the kind of person that any time of day or night, anyone can reach out to me.  I'll listen, give my advice, or just be there for the individual.  But when it comes around to me, thats a whole different story.

Now I'm not meaning everyone in my life.  And there have been a small handful of people that are very good at reciprocating a friendship back.  And in my recent phase of standing up for myself, I've become a lot closer with these individuals.

I guess this is all just a part of life.

Today

Today I've been a mixed bag.  Flying from being happy to feeling like a huge let down.  And at the end of the day, I've settled somewhere in between.  I had a very long and good talk with my mom this morning.  It was good to talk to her, and get her perspective on some of what is goin on in my life these days.

Following that I had a very open talk with Kyle.  It was good and much needed, but in the moment made my emotions just a big mess.  But I am very thankful for him because he doesn't give up on me.

And now I just feel raw.  My emotions have definitely worn me out.

Breakthrough

So much in my life has changed in the past few months.  It's evolving.  Some things make me sad.  Others overjoyed and happy.  And even other things I'm indifferent about.  Right now I'm just teaching myself to embrace each change as it comes.  Never falter to who I really am.  It's taken me years to get to this point, but I'm proud that I've gotten here.

A big change I'm going through are my friendships.  I've taken a step back from most of them and started doing self exploring.  I've realized that a lot of them were very unhealthy.  A lot of take and not so much give.  Quite a bit of fake and not much seeming real.  So I decided to stand my ground.  And this, I am proud of.  Because I'm not one to let things linger on and become drawn out.  But I'm done apologizing for things that aren't my fault.  Because in the end, doing that makes me feel lesser of a person.  And I'm done feeling that way.  I'm done feeling like I'm less important.

I dunno, I guess we could call this a breakthrough.

Knitting

I think I'm going to start knitting again.  I miss it.  It's been quite awhile since I picked up my knitting needles and yarn and made something.  I dunno.  Maybe that makes me a little dorky.  It might make me feel like an old person.  But heck, I like it.  It keeps my mind busy and to me it is relaxing.  And its things like that which I need in my life right now.  I'm working so hard to pull myself out of this rut I got stuck in.  And now that I'm starting to make some progress, I don't want to slip back.

Every day is a baby step, but at least I'm making progress.

Sleep

I think all this sleep I have gotten in the past 2 days has been good for me.  I feel a bit refreshed.  And I'm glad I do, because I was getting very worn out with having such a short fuse.  Now to just try to get back to my normal schedule.  I need to start runnin again.  With everything that has been goin on and being super busy, I've neglected that.  But it's time get back on the horse and go.  I know that will also help me feel better.  I was just having a hard time finding any motivation to do so.  I'm so ready to get my life back on track.  And one step at a time I'll get there.

At least things looked good today when I realized that I didn't have to get my blood drawn this month.  That is always a plus.

So Tired

I'm very tired.  My brain and body are just worn out.  There is a big part of me that would like to just sleep for a very long time.  But I've got so much that I'm trying to do right now, to actually do that.

But in other things, with my weird emotional state of being, today was actually better.  I listened to funny songs on on my computer.  I played some video games.  I even spent a little time reading.  Needless to say, it was just a bunch of mindless things, which was probably good for me.

But now my migraine is starting to come back, so I'm gonna lay down.

Down In The Dumps

I just feel like what's been normal for the past 6 months just isn't happening.  I try so hard to open up to people, but whenever I do, it kicks me in the butt.  Lately I just feel like I have such a hard time "belonging", to anyone or anything.

Bah, I just don't feel like writing much today.

Being Myself

Sometimes its just the way things are worded.  The way things are said, that can truly just cut a person down.  Maybe its just that filter between the brain and the mouth, that isn't working.  Maybe I'm just a little sensitive.  It could be a little of both.  Either way, things just hurt lately, more than usual.

I guess I should stop trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, and I should just be myself.  I'm trying, but sometimes it's just easier to do what I shouldn't.

I wish I could just figure myself out.  Get over this rut of depression that I'm in, and feel better.

Memories

Oh man, have I hit that point of exhaustion.  The point where everything becomes funny.  Where I start talking and can't seem to stop.  When I just start being silly.  It has been a long couple weeks, but the days are slowly getting easier.

It was interesting today.  I helped my uncle clean out my grandmother's garage.  We found a couple shoeboxes full of old pictures.  It was cool to see all these pictures of my family when they were really young.  And I even found pictures of my brother and I when we were young.  Amongst the family pictures, there were pictures that I drew for my grandma when I was just a small child.  They used to be on her fridge.

All in all, today was a pretty cool day.

Looking Up

I know I've been kinda down, sad, and angry lately.  Let's just say that I've been going through a lot.  And my emotions being all out of whack, doesn't help.  But in this past 2 weeks or so, my real true friends have shown their colors.  They've helped pick me up, when I've felt down.  They've shared kind words and conversations with me.  But above anything, these individuals have been there for me.

My life is shifting, and I can feel it.  And, maybe thats why my emotions are on the fritz.  Maybe I'm trying to hold together things that aren't necessarily meant to be held together anymore.  But in this moment, I'm making this agreement with my self that I'll let it go.

It's time in my life that I take this step.  To grow more wise from my experiences.  To not let people use me anymore.  And to actually stand up for myself.  I've started doing that, and it actually felt good.  

So all in all, I'm ready for my emotions to start lookin up.  Because let me tell ya, I'm tired of all this crying and being sad shit.