Longing for the things I don't have...

I know I've been PMSing lately.  And yes, I still know that it is TMI.  But I'm finally getting beyond the anger stage and onto the emotional stage.  The stage where I live in my head and don't want anything to come out.  The point where I feel the most fucked up.  And lately I've had so much time to do that.  I've become so lonely.  I've pushed so many important people away.  And with that came this yearning for closeness.  I long for connection to people.  It's my own fault, and I'm the only one to blame.  I got so used to people coming and going in my life that it is just so hard to attach, and sometimes too easy.  And I start to think about all that I would change if I could.  All that I'd fix, if it were just that easy.  And I find myself living in the past, and playing the game of "what if?"  I try so hard to just let go of all that.  I can't change it.  I can only move forward.  But it is so hard sometimes.  And when I'm feeling this lonely, it is even harder to pull myself out.  I know that this doesn't make much sense.  But, it doesn't need to.  I just needed to get these thoughts out so I'd stop beating myself up for things I can't go back and change.

I need to vent.

Dear Greedy Customers,

  I am so over you all.  Apparently you feel entitled using your expired punch card with 2 stickers on it, and expect us to break the rules for you, instead of starting a new one like we are supposed to.  Or just because another location gave you a sticker on your punch card for a drink that doesn't meet the requirement, and expect us to do that, though that's not what the punch cards are meant for.  And just because you buy 4 of the same item, doesn't mean you get the 5th one for free.  We haven't had a promotion like that all holiday season.  Don't treat us like shit because we are being nice enough to explain to you why we can't, while keeping a smile on our faces.  You people are so ungrateful.  And honestly, I believe you are the reason why the holiday spirits are ruined.  You suck the life out of people because you just want free stuff.  And then when we follow the rules, you tell us to "fuck off", or proceed to just flat out argue with us about what other people do for you.

It is sad, because at the beginning of December I was so excited for the holidays, and now I am sadfully counting down the next month.  I am ready for people to stop being so greedy.  Granted, that happens year round.  But this time of year, it just seems to be even worse.  

Needless to say, I'm over it all.

--Sincerely,

Your kind Barista 

Sad

Yeah, I'm happy.  And yes, I am depressed at the same time.  If that is even possible.  I've got a lot of great things in my life.  But, I'm so lonely.  I feel like I don't really have many people left in my life that I can truly count on.  I have 3 people in my life (besides my family) that really know me, and whom I truly trust.

Yesterday one of those people moved away.  I dunno.  It just sucks.  Makes me feel like my life is still standing in place while everyone else runs forward.  I guess what bums me out is that I didn't even get to see her before she left, due to me being sick and the I guess there being no time after that.  I guess I just feel so disposable to everyone.  I dunno, maybe I am.

Blah.  I need to get these stupid thoughts out of my head.  And I know I'm just rambling now, but I needed to have some sort of outlet.  I keep holding all this stuff inside, and it really is eating away at me.  I'm back to losing weight (the unhealthy way).

I just need friends.  I really wish my grandma was still around.

Life.

I've had a lot of time to surf the internet and listen to music today.  Something I haven't had much time to do lately.  Guess that's the nice part about being sick.  Either way, I have been doing a lot of research into going back to school.  Trying to figure out what I exactly want to go back for.  And in the past couple months and talking it out, I think I have an inkling.  Not that it was something I, nor anyone else ever thought.  But there is a big part of me really wanting to go back to school for forensic science.

Everyone has always seen me as a writer, barista, sick girl.  I'm ready to be the adult version of myself.  Not that I'm not that already, but I'm ready to take that big step from my past and even more in the right direction.  I'm ready to open a new chapter in my life.  I'm ready for so many things.  Maybe this is a sign that I'm really finally becoming the person that I have spent 27 years developing.

Disappointed...

    So, I am not necessarily one to share my views on politics very often.  I can't stand conflict, and politics seem to cause just that.  But that is beside the fact.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and beliefs, and people should respect one another despite their opinions.  At least that is how I was raised.

     Needless to say, when I saw this at work today, I felt very discouraged.  Why do we feel the need as GROWN adults, to act like children (sometimes even worse).  I just wish, as human beings, we could learn to be more tolerant.  We don't have to agree with someone, but there is no need for the put downs.

I guess I just don't understand how people can be so hateful.  Grow up!

Some days I have so much to say, and other days I have very little to say.  Sometimes I just have a hard time putting my words into thoughts.  My life is fantastic, but it took a lot of learning and life lessons to get here.  It's taken lost friendships, and new friendships.  Some of it makes me sad to think about, but there is a lot that has made me happy.  I have really grown into the person I want to be.  I can't imagine myself anywhere else.

For once in my life, I have began to feel like I'm traveling on the right path for once.  It's definitely a nice change of pace.

Tonight I'm Sad...

I'm not sure why, but tonight I'm sad.  I have absolutely no reason to be sad.  Maybe its this time at night I spend alone most nights, that gives me the quiet to think.  Needless to say, I dont have any answers.  I just feel like crying.  I mean I know there are things that I surpress daily.  Things that I know make me sad.  I do this because, when I think about those things, I become even more sad.

In the past couple years I've had my heart broken many times.  The kind of heartbreak that comes when you lose someone or something you cherished, leaves.  I've lost so many important (and some who I thought were important) people in my life.  I blame myself for all the hurt.  I so easily put blinders on and try to just see the best in every person.  And each time that I'm wrong, it hurts a little more.

Maybe one day I'll learn my lesson.  But tonight I'm probably going to just go back to over-thinking.

Empowerment.

Tonight, I feel...empowered.  It's a mix of everything in my life right now.  I am turning myself in all these right directions.  For one time in my life, I am honestly proud of myself.  In the course of 3 years I have watched myself come from the depths of despair, to this blossoming flower.  My life has been in so many places those last 3 years too.  It's had ups, and it's had downs.  But for once, I've got it by the reigns.  I'm excited for where it is heading.

Like, going through being promoted at work.  It's a lot of work, but I'm excited.  I've been excited ever since I found out that I was even being considered to be promoted.  It makes me feel like my life is falling back into place.  Back where it was when I left off.  But better.  I'm in a better state mentally, and a better life situation.  I feel like a grown up again.  I don't have to rely on everyone to take care of me, but I was allowed to have some of the responsibility for myself again.

Kyle has been a big help.  He helps me see myself in a more positive light.  And, its definitely nice to have someone who will play with Lego's with you.  He is really the one who keeps me on the right path.

But the whole thing that set this empowerment feeling in motion, was work tonight.  At our meeting tonight, just all of us baristas putting our heads together and organizing our stores.  It was awesome.  And it made me proud.  Proud to work for a company that allows and encourages all of its partners to get involved.  And it is so awesome to see everyone work together.  It makes me proud to be part of this group of people.


Bahh...I know I'm being sappy, but I just can't help it.  I suppose that means it is time for bed.

Just some thoughts....

When one door closes, another opens.  That's been on my mind a lot lately.  I have closed the door to some things in my life.  These closed doors have made me a little sad, but I am stronger because of it.

I've watched some friendships slip just beyond the saving point.  And though somedays I wish things would just go back, in the long run I wouldn't change things for the world.

It's weird.  I never used to have a good self esteem.  But for once I think positively about myself.  I know that what I'm doing in life is good for me.  It's awesome, and I'm so proud of myself.  I'm proud that I've stood my ground and not given into things that are part of that old vicious cycle.  I've mentally grown so much this past year or so, and I'm not going back.

Happy Birthday Grandma

I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family.  I couldn't ask for a better support group in my life.  And on today, January 8th, I even have the chance to reflect on my grandmother.  Today would have been her 81st birthday.  She was such a wonderful lady.  Everyone just knew her as "Grandma".  She had such a loving soul, and cared for every person that graced her life.  Taking my mom, my brother, and me in after my parents split up, she became like another parent to me and my brother.  Heck, she even took in Kyle (my brother) and my friends when they needed a place to stay.

She never liked to have people mad at her, and I loved her for that.  Though sometimes it stirred the pot, I know it was only because she loved each one of us and would back each one of us up.  Even if it meant she backed both opposing sides.

I miss sitting on the couch and hearing her walker come down the hall at 8pm just to take her meds.  I miss how she'd save every little food container and every scrap of food.  She hated letting things go to waste.  I miss going into her bedroom to talk to her about anything and everything.  Or driving her to her appointments and having her be the backseat driver.

I feel like I had such a special relationship with my grandma.  In her final years, she knew what I was facing, and it was because of her that I held onto hope that one day I'd get my transplant.  She knew how scary it was, and she helped ease my mind about it all.  And even though she was gone from this earthly world when I actually had my surgery, I know that she was with me, holding my hand the entire time.

Grandma, I miss you everyday of my life.  I know you watch over me.  I know you may not agree with every decision I have made in my life, but none the less you'd be proud of the woman I've become.  So Happy Birthday Grandma.  I love you with all my heart.