Longing for the things I don't have...

I know I've been PMSing lately.  And yes, I still know that it is TMI.  But I'm finally getting beyond the anger stage and onto the emotional stage.  The stage where I live in my head and don't want anything to come out.  The point where I feel the most fucked up.  And lately I've had so much time to do that.  I've become so lonely.  I've pushed so many important people away.  And with that came this yearning for closeness.  I long for connection to people.  It's my own fault, and I'm the only one to blame.  I got so used to people coming and going in my life that it is just so hard to attach, and sometimes too easy.  And I start to think about all that I would change if I could.  All that I'd fix, if it were just that easy.  And I find myself living in the past, and playing the game of "what if?"  I try so hard to just let go of all that.  I can't change it.  I can only move forward.  But it is so hard sometimes.  And when I'm feeling this lonely, it is even harder to pull myself out.  I know that this doesn't make much sense.  But, it doesn't need to.  I just needed to get these thoughts out so I'd stop beating myself up for things I can't go back and change.