Not Myself

I feel like my muscles are shrinking.  Like my brain is flooded.  Like my eyes are blinking more slowly.  I'm trying to find a center.  A moment of enlightenment.  And as hard as I try, I feel like its just resting right away from my fingertips.

And yet, I feel like I'm not myself.  I am short tempered.  Take today for example.  I snapped at my dad for absolutely no reason.  And that upset me so much that I just burst into tears.

I wanna blame all this on so much, but when it comes down to it, there is nothing to blame except myself.  It's my fault I chose to be friends mostly with people that walk all over me.  I am to blame for caring too much.  For questioning the good things in my life.

And at the end of the day, I feel sorry for those that actually take the time to put up with me while I'm trying to deal with myself.  I am sorry.

Overwhelmed

I'm fighting myself again.  Trying to beat these constant trust issues I've got.  Not with one particular person, but with the majority of people.  Even if its nothing except what my mind has dreamt up.  I try and try to beat it and tell myself that I'm just imagining things, but the stuff in my past as messed me up so badly.

So I cry myself to sleep, every night.  And I wake up feeling more exhausted than I did the day before. Nightmares consume my sleep again, and my happy thoughts feel so far away.

Goodness, I know I just said I felt like I have no emotion anymore, yet today I feel overwhelmed with my emotions.  Not all of them good.  I'm just lost.  Thats all I can say.  Maybe I'm fighting a losing battle.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

Unsure

I don't know what to write today.  I'm still feeling drained after my rant a couple days ago.  I go from feeling emotionless, and sad.  I just don't know what to say.  I get so angry at people.  I try to hold my composure, and I feel like I'm going crazy.  I feel like I'm emotionally crazy.  I never know when I'm gonna swing from one mood to the next.

I'll be glad when this calms down and I can get back to feeling centered in my life.

Exhausted.

I'm so tired, physically and mentally.  My body is sore and my brain is still fuzzy.  I feel like all week I've been moving in slow motion.  And after my rant yesterday, I feel kinda emotionless.  I dunno, maybe this "blah" mood fits me.  Though I'd rather not feel that way.

I just want to feel like people care about me as much as I care about them, but as for the majority, that feels false.

I'm Feeling Bitchy.

My life is changing.  I know that.  It's weird, because I've always had high tolerance levels.  Lately though, I just havent.  I can't stand feeling used and walked over.  Yet, some people in my life only tend to want me around when they are having a crisis and want someone to talk to.  I've been this person to so many different people at many different times in my life.  And ya know what, I'm finally sick of it.

I'm not the kind of person that gets tired of caring, but right now I am.  I'm doing everything in my power to keep myself afloat with my own emotions, and yet none of those people that rely on me in their problems, even really seem to care.

I know I sound bitchy, but I've been pushed to the limit.

So from now on, if ya have a problem with your boyfriend or girlfriend, don't call me.  If you got in an argument with one of your friends, dont call me.  If your attitude is "life sucks", don't call me.

There are a few people that are exceptions, and they know who they are.  But other than that, I realize who my best friends are, and surprisingly, some of the people who I thought were my best friends, well, I feel like maybe they aren't.

I Don't Know What.

Today I spent the evening with Emily. We went to Red Robin and talked. No matter how much we tried to lighten the mood, we both sat there crying in the booth. Yet it didn't seem weird at all. We both needed it, and the hard times are yet to come.

I don't really know what else to say today. My brain feels so fuzzy and I feel like a zombie.

So I think it's just time for sleep.

Bah

Oh it bugs me so much.  When people do stuff for attention.  When they will do anything just so people will pay attention to them.  Exploiting the feelings of others.  I just don't get it.

Like right now, I'm genuinely sad and going through all these emotions of loss.  Loss to my own situation.  But I feel that some people exploit situations like this.  A loss of someone, to make it so that people will feel sorry for them.  Gah, it just irks me.

And with that said, it is time for some sleep.

Today

Today has been such a mixed day of emotion, and I'm still trying to gather my thoughts here at 3am.  I've been taking this whole situation about my Mama Chris really hard.  And today they've given her 3 days (at most) left.  And its weird, because it brings this sadness to me.  At the same time, I feel joy for her that she'll no longer have all this extreme pain that she's in.  Needless to say though, when I found out about the 3 days, I decided to stay out with my bro, and we did the bar-hopping.

I ran into lots of old friends that I haven't seen in years.  It was nice to get to talk to them and catch up.  And my cousin, Shelly, even came out.  I hadn't seen her since I was in the hospital, right after my surgery.  And all this just was a good way to keep my mind busy.

On top of all this, Tessa (my brother's girlfriend), sat and had a long talk.  Realizing that we both have this same vision, we talked about us opening a coffee shop together one day.  She has the same passion for coffee that I do.  And not just the actual coffee, but the artistic atmosphere of a true coffee shop.  Needless to say, its a big step forward in life, and it would be a fun one to make.

And now I'm tired.  My brain is fried.  I think I need to attempt to get some sleep, because otherwise I'll just keep over-thinking about things I don't want too.

--EDIT--
Since I first posted this, Mama Chris has passed on from this world.  Though the loss of her weighs heavy on my heart, I'm glad that she's no longer in any pain.

John Lennon and Lemon Groves

"If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace."  -- John Lennon

Gah.  I still can't get that dream outta my head.  It was just so awesome.  So, I might have been a hippy living in the 60's.  But, there was this real peace to it.  And the fact that I was in the middle of a lemon grove and dancing around with John Lennon, is just so awesome.  I mean, he was a real peace, love, and happiness kind of guy.  If only we had more people like him today.

I woke up awestruck and in a really good mood.  I'd trade all the rest of my dreams that I have which are scary or give me a feeling of unease, for more dreams about John Lennon.

Zero Motivation

Today I'm not motivated.  Maybe thats because I'm tired.  Could be that I fell down the stairs and am very sore.  I dunno.  Either way, my brain is in this fog, and I just don't feel like doing anything.  I want to just lay around and sleep.

I mean I won't be doing much due to the fact that I'm slightly bruised, but I guess I'm allowed to have a "lazy day".

Pushing Myself.

Oh goodness.  I remember why getting in shape has never been fun.  My body feels like noodles and the beginning always makes me feel like I'm dying.  But I'm proud of myself, because I'm pushing myself through it.

After my surgery I saw myself at a low of 120 lbs.  Granted, I looked super unhealthy, but thats beside the point.  A year and a half later I've put on all the weight I lost.  Now I don't wanna be back at 120, but I'd definitely like to lose a little of this weight.  But in the process I'd like to see myself more healthy.  I'm getting there.

About a week ago or so, I started jogging again.  Just around the neighbor hoods, but its a start.  And that mixed with my "homegrown" cardio, I am feeling better about myself.  I feel stronger and my body is slowly starting to shed pounds.

Now if only I could get that diet of mine a little more under control.  I mean, I don't eat super unhealthy, which is good.  Mostly that is due to my "transplant" diet.  I have to keep things more balanced.  I just need to focus more on cutting the rest of the unhealthy stuff out.

All in all though, I'm proud that I'm pushing myself.

Centering Yourself.

So, I've been doing a lot of soul searching as of lately.  I do this about once a year.  But this time it just feels different.

I've thought a lot about life.  What it means to me.  Why I'm here.  How I've been through things that many people will never have the opportunity to go through.  The things that have made me stronger.

The people I'm bringing into my life.  Why they're important in my life.  How they help shape me to who I am and who I'm becoming.  How they're helping me grow into myself.

I'm changing, and thats a fact.  Not for the bad, but for the good.  I've grown up a lot in this past year and a half.  More so than I already did.  I grew up fast in life, but this is different.  It's a good different.  Where I am starting to feel more wise.

And I can finally say, I'm starting to reach some inner peace in my life.

Starting off.

Last night, Davia and I were talkin about how sometimes it gets hard to write.  Where you just don't have the motivation.  She reminded me one thing that I should always remember.

"Make yourself write everyday."  Even if it's just one little, insignificant thing.  Write it down.  Get the thoughts out of your head.

So here's my start to that.  Getting the thoughts out of my head.