Days To Myself

I don't know what in me has changed and what hasn't changed in the past year, but I am just different. My depression doesn't hit as often or as hard. I am a lot happier. I'm cultivating new friendships, and for once they aren't all friendships where I just get shoved to the background. I am just all around more cheery.

This was brought to mind today because I was randomly thinking about how people at work say I almost sound believable when I tell a customer to "Have a wonderful day!" But the funny thing is that I say that to anyone, even outside of work in my everyday life, and get some of the strangest looks because people are taken back by it.

I guess I just see life completely different than a lot of people because of what I have been through. But I still personally find it absurd that people should be surprised when someone is friendly.

But, I guess that's just the world we live in.

Zero Motivation

Oh motivation to write, I wish you'd come back. I mean it isn't like I don't have thoughts in my head that I want to write about. It is just that lately I don't know how to put my thoughts into words that would really make sense. At least to anyone that might stumble onto this.

I just don't want this blog to sound monotonous, but lately I feel like that is what it has become. Hence the few days between entries.

Blah, I will be glad when this writers block goes away.

A Slice Of Humble Pie

Sorry for my lack of blogging lately. My brain just hasn't felt like it could compose its thoughts lately.

But today, I would like to yet again talk about organ donation. But not in the same sense that I usually talk about it. Today I had the chance to chat with my new friend Elena. It was nice. But not just the talking part, but being able to just see an amazement in someone over what I have been through. I know I have been through a lot, but I guess I just don't look at it like that. I have always just taken everything as it went through as it came to me. I never took the time to stand back and look at my situation from a bystander.

Needless to say, I received one of the nicest compliments I have ever received, which is that I am a very humble person.

So, thank you Elena. You are a doll.

Oh What A Day.

Today has just been one of those days.  I woke up this morning and just wanted 5 more minutes of sleep.  Instead I rushed to get ready and left my house at 7:15am, thinking I was gonna be cutting it very close to being just on time to work.  NOPE!  Half way there, I realized I wasn't thinking straight and was gonna be a half hour early to work.  No point in turning around though to just have to get right back in the car to head to work.  So I actually had breakfast before I started working.

Then all day if it wasn't one thing it was another.  Decided its hard to listen to myself tell every customer "Have a wonderful day." without getting the giggles.  Especially after a customer told me I sounded like I meant it, and laughed at me when I said I did.  Then I kept trying to give people who wanted hot coffee, cold coffee, and vise-versa.

I dunno.  Today was just a day where my brain stayed in bed while my body got up and was active.

So tonight I'm going to make sure my brain gets some real rest, and maybe it will be ready to work tomorrow.  I love my job, and I love the people I work with, but Thursday cannot come soon enough.

Donation.

I've been doing a lot of thinking today.  A lot of it has been about my life and where it is.  About what keeps me going everyday, even when I feel down.  A big player in that is, my organ donor.  I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for that person making that decision to donate their organs after their spirit left this earth, and their family being supportive of their decision.  That's why I will try everyday of my life to help people know what the importance is about organ donation.

Only a small fraction of the earth's population will know what it's like to receive the blessing that I was able to have.  And so many people are waiting just to have a chance to have what I've got.  That truly saddens me.  I myself waited on the list for 3 years.  That's a long time to wait.  And there are people that wait even longer than that.  Yet if more people became organ donors there wouldn't be such a problem.

I know that thinking about giving your organs away puts a fatality to life that people don't want to think about, but honestly, you never know when your last moments here will be.  

So, now I live everyday to the fullest because I was blessed with another chance.  I myself am an organ donor, and though they pretty much wouldn't be able to use any of my organs in another person because of the damage they've sustained over the years, my organs can be used to help find cures and for science.  Thats just as awesome.

I know that this video is a couple years old, but it is still very relevant.

Oops!

So I used my blogging time to play Borderlands 2.  Expect a better post tomorrow.

Seasons Changing

I love that it's turning into fall.  I am excited to drag out my sweaters and sweatshirts.  I get so happy when that time of year comes that I can layer my clothes.  When I can bundle up and wear my boots.

I prefer the rain.

I prefer the cold.

I am an Oregonian at heart.

I'm glad hat the heat is drifting away.  I need a change, and fall brings the change that I want.

Understanding

Words were said today.  Some harsh, yet needed to be said.  And after all was said and done, we are at a little better understanding.  Or at least I am.  I feel like I understand Kyle's frustrations a little more, and I can constructively work on myself some more.  It's good.  Progress is good.  I am proud that we can get through our little differences.

I am also glad that I at least attempted to say what was on my heart, instead of eating my feelings and shutting down.  Especially with my depression looming hard above me right now.

Needless to say, I truly love him.  If that means I have to really work on somethings that I have neglected for quite some time.  Things that I put walls up around, due to being hurt in my past.  Even opening up more.

I know he is who I want to be with, and at the end of the day I think that is what really matters over all.

Down In The Dumps

Today I just need encouragement.  It has felt like everything is just working against me today.  From people snapping at me, to nothing going as planned.  It's times like this that my depression really acts up.  I start to spiral because I feel like I'm losing control of everything.  I don't do well in situations like that.

So, sitting here in this quiet room, alone gets me thinking.  And then I turn on the emo music and I'm done for.  I start crying and letting out all the emotions I've had pent up.

I just feel like I'm wandering around in the dark, running into every wall in sight.  It's not easy.  I'm trying to make sense of things that just aren't making sense, and I feel like things are being kept from me.  I'm told that I don't open up much, but at the same time I feel like the people that should open up to me, aren't.  It just sucks because the double standards.  I wish that those didn't exist.

Being sick this past week hasn't helped.  It just gives me more time to myself and a lot more time to think.  Really not the right time for all of this to hit.  Makes it all more lonely.  I really hate feeling lonely.

I just need a hug, but instead I'm going to lay down with my hurt back and read my book while listening to some Motzart.  Hopefully that helps me drift off and forget about today.

Sick

So, I have been away for a few days.  This has mostly been due to being quite sick.  That kept me from really having the energy to even think about writing.  I just wanted to sleep and keep my fever away.  Sounds like it is going around though.

I am just glad to be on the downward slope of this thing.  I mean seriously, constant chills, runny nose, hacking up your lungs, and plain just not feeling good is not much fun.

I was glad to return to work today.  After working for this past month, sitting at home has become a difficult thing to do.  It is good though that I have the next two days off though.  I need to really get myself back to 100%.

So with that said, I'm going to get some shut eye.  Need all the rest I can get right now.