Empowerment.

Tonight, I feel...empowered.  It's a mix of everything in my life right now.  I am turning myself in all these right directions.  For one time in my life, I am honestly proud of myself.  In the course of 3 years I have watched myself come from the depths of despair, to this blossoming flower.  My life has been in so many places those last 3 years too.  It's had ups, and it's had downs.  But for once, I've got it by the reigns.  I'm excited for where it is heading.

Like, going through being promoted at work.  It's a lot of work, but I'm excited.  I've been excited ever since I found out that I was even being considered to be promoted.  It makes me feel like my life is falling back into place.  Back where it was when I left off.  But better.  I'm in a better state mentally, and a better life situation.  I feel like a grown up again.  I don't have to rely on everyone to take care of me, but I was allowed to have some of the responsibility for myself again.

Kyle has been a big help.  He helps me see myself in a more positive light.  And, its definitely nice to have someone who will play with Lego's with you.  He is really the one who keeps me on the right path.

But the whole thing that set this empowerment feeling in motion, was work tonight.  At our meeting tonight, just all of us baristas putting our heads together and organizing our stores.  It was awesome.  And it made me proud.  Proud to work for a company that allows and encourages all of its partners to get involved.  And it is so awesome to see everyone work together.  It makes me proud to be part of this group of people.


Bahh...I know I'm being sappy, but I just can't help it.  I suppose that means it is time for bed.

Just some thoughts....

When one door closes, another opens.  That's been on my mind a lot lately.  I have closed the door to some things in my life.  These closed doors have made me a little sad, but I am stronger because of it.

I've watched some friendships slip just beyond the saving point.  And though somedays I wish things would just go back, in the long run I wouldn't change things for the world.

It's weird.  I never used to have a good self esteem.  But for once I think positively about myself.  I know that what I'm doing in life is good for me.  It's awesome, and I'm so proud of myself.  I'm proud that I've stood my ground and not given into things that are part of that old vicious cycle.  I've mentally grown so much this past year or so, and I'm not going back.

Happy Birthday Grandma

I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful family.  I couldn't ask for a better support group in my life.  And on today, January 8th, I even have the chance to reflect on my grandmother.  Today would have been her 81st birthday.  She was such a wonderful lady.  Everyone just knew her as "Grandma".  She had such a loving soul, and cared for every person that graced her life.  Taking my mom, my brother, and me in after my parents split up, she became like another parent to me and my brother.  Heck, she even took in Kyle (my brother) and my friends when they needed a place to stay.

She never liked to have people mad at her, and I loved her for that.  Though sometimes it stirred the pot, I know it was only because she loved each one of us and would back each one of us up.  Even if it meant she backed both opposing sides.

I miss sitting on the couch and hearing her walker come down the hall at 8pm just to take her meds.  I miss how she'd save every little food container and every scrap of food.  She hated letting things go to waste.  I miss going into her bedroom to talk to her about anything and everything.  Or driving her to her appointments and having her be the backseat driver.

I feel like I had such a special relationship with my grandma.  In her final years, she knew what I was facing, and it was because of her that I held onto hope that one day I'd get my transplant.  She knew how scary it was, and she helped ease my mind about it all.  And even though she was gone from this earthly world when I actually had my surgery, I know that she was with me, holding my hand the entire time.

Grandma, I miss you everyday of my life.  I know you watch over me.  I know you may not agree with every decision I have made in my life, but none the less you'd be proud of the woman I've become.  So Happy Birthday Grandma.  I love you with all my heart.

The Pains of Being A Girl

Someday's I really don't like being a girl.  Today is one of those days.  I feel like I'm being punched in the uterus.  No amount of aspirin or heating devices makes it feel any better.  All day I've just been curled up in bed, watched movies, and played Lego Harry Potter on my iPad.  I love that crappy things with my body at least wait to happen until my day off.  I just hope that all this pain is gone in the morning.

Sorry, this totally was a weird short rant, but with the new year I'm trying to get back to writing everyday.  This literally was all that I could think about today.

My True Thoughts On Christmas.

I think this year, I have truly learned the real meaning of Christmas.  Not that I didn't really know it before.  But this year is just different.  It's about mending the heart.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been wounded by people in my life before, but this year it's about moving past that and looking at the future. This year my friends, old and new, have expressed things to me about how they feel that have truly melted my heart.  I just can't express how lucky I am to have friends like these.  And then I've also begun to mend some friendships.  Friendships that have hurt so badly to lose, yet I'm grateful to see a glimmer of hope in them.  My heart is truly melting this year, and I've got so much to be happy and thankful for.  I wish everyone the best and that they can find this true form of happiness like I have stumbled upon.

It is safe to say that once I reached this realization in my life, everything started to get better.  Life is just too beautiful to give up or be bitter about.

Feeling Let Down

I feel like I am doing so much ranting about politics lately, but today my rant isn't fully about politics. It's how I am so disappointed with people. They are so full of hate. This election was, in my eyes, a very close one. But one thing I love about my country is that we get the chance to vote. I my 26 year life span, and 3 presidential elections I have had the chance to vote in, the person I have voted for hasn't always won. You just have to roll with the punches. But when things didn't go the way I wanted, I didn't get up and scream out hate or be upset. That doesn't get you anywhere, and it just makes people look poorly upon you.

I dunno, it just makes me sad to see people be so full of hate. I held my friends to a higher standard, and I guess that's why I felt so let down.

Elections...

Okay, yes, I get it. This election season is coming down to the wire, and almost everyone has been sure to note their political standings on their social media. I am even guilty of that. It is nice to stir up a discussion every once and awhile. Especially when it is over important matters, like the future of America.

But what a lot of people appeared to have forgotten is that we are in America and we have the freedom to vote for who we want. Tonight is the eve of Election Day and my Facebook is flooded with many people saying, "Vote this way or..." Society has gotten so wrapped up in thinking that their opinion is the right one, and forgotten that opinions can't be wrong or right. Opinions are how an individual feels. And we have the freedom to vote on our own opinions. So your opinions may be different than mine. That doesn't make you right and me wrong.  It just means that we view and deal with things differently.

I have never been one to really get angry over politics, but tonight I am. I'm not necessarily mad at politics, but how they have changed people. People truly need to remember that America was founded on freedom, and tonight, I am not seeing much of that.

Days To Myself

I don't know what in me has changed and what hasn't changed in the past year, but I am just different. My depression doesn't hit as often or as hard. I am a lot happier. I'm cultivating new friendships, and for once they aren't all friendships where I just get shoved to the background. I am just all around more cheery.

This was brought to mind today because I was randomly thinking about how people at work say I almost sound believable when I tell a customer to "Have a wonderful day!" But the funny thing is that I say that to anyone, even outside of work in my everyday life, and get some of the strangest looks because people are taken back by it.

I guess I just see life completely different than a lot of people because of what I have been through. But I still personally find it absurd that people should be surprised when someone is friendly.

But, I guess that's just the world we live in.

Zero Motivation

Oh motivation to write, I wish you'd come back. I mean it isn't like I don't have thoughts in my head that I want to write about. It is just that lately I don't know how to put my thoughts into words that would really make sense. At least to anyone that might stumble onto this.

I just don't want this blog to sound monotonous, but lately I feel like that is what it has become. Hence the few days between entries.

Blah, I will be glad when this writers block goes away.

A Slice Of Humble Pie

Sorry for my lack of blogging lately. My brain just hasn't felt like it could compose its thoughts lately.

But today, I would like to yet again talk about organ donation. But not in the same sense that I usually talk about it. Today I had the chance to chat with my new friend Elena. It was nice. But not just the talking part, but being able to just see an amazement in someone over what I have been through. I know I have been through a lot, but I guess I just don't look at it like that. I have always just taken everything as it went through as it came to me. I never took the time to stand back and look at my situation from a bystander.

Needless to say, I received one of the nicest compliments I have ever received, which is that I am a very humble person.

So, thank you Elena. You are a doll.